The Simonscans Porn Blog

Maybe next time I’m here…

I am not a girl. Its just not true, just cause I like pink convertible Beetles, Hello Kitty, The OC and… This is a real email, just in this morning.

Monday, January 8, 2007, 1:58:59 AM, you wrote:….

CM> Simon, something about the website says you are a woman – not a man.

You assume a real Simon even exists and its not just a marketing
construct.

CM> I’m curious why there aren’t any men in your scenes, as the website is most surely luring men.

Because men who aren’t gay don’t always want to see other men while
they look at naked women.

CM> And why are the girls so young?

They’re not. The range goes from 18 to 43, with the great bulk in
their twenties.

CM> Could it be they’re doing this for you for money?

Damn right.

CM> Women don’t need dildos to have orgasms, and goodness knows, hetero sex with a soulmate outweighs watching a movie every time.

But this is porn.

CM> Where is the equality of gender and equality of experience?

These are entirely non-gender specific photos of naked girls, you are
free to like them or not, whatever your sex.

CM> To me, these young British girls just seem to be pawns in your game.

They are models, no more no less. They choose to either do the job or
not and have no editorial input into the style of the shoot.

CM> I’d like some clarification.

When what you need is more medication.

CM> I’d also like to know what it costs to subscribe to your website. Thank you.

$29.90 per month.

CM> C.M. USA

KER-ching! reckon I made the sale, with all that smoooth sales talk?

As you’ll all know already, I can moan endlessly about how crap most UK models are. Tanerexics, covered in tramp stamps with implants that look about as beliviable as Mr Potatoheads nose. Well, there have been a couple of notable exceptions recently and back in September Kate was one of them. So the guilt has really been getting to me. I’ve found a great girl, but not found the time to get her back in nearly three months? Tsk, Tsk. I really am slipping. But thats all fixed now. Even though we’re preparing to return to Prague shortly we managed to squeeze in a quick location shoot with Kate. So after she’d got all hyper from eating ALL the mini-bars chocolate, I was challenged to a pillow fight, which I naturally declined, being very, very old and fat. Lots of bouncing was seen as a pretty good Plan B…

Last night on “I’m a celebutard get me out of here” some bloke called David mentioned that his maid from way back when had a daughter and named her Vaginica, well, that girl grew up and took to modelling! With that name it was a foregone conclusion; porn was her destiny. Its quite possibly the best ever porn/drag name in the entire history of the world. And here she is. Enjoy.

Looks like butter wouldn’t melt…

(Read on …)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Shelbys second video is now the correct one, but Daphnes sets have gone missing. Keeping up with whats been shot, whats been used, and what number each set or video is can be a bit of performance. Not least because we never reach the end of the pile. As fast as the decks are nearly cleared a new pile of content appears and needs dealing with. The DVD burners run red hot, late into the night, most days at Simonscans mansions. Whats happened to Daphnes sets isn’t quite so clear, they were all On the site, but have just dissappeared. Not a trace in the database nor in any folders. Nevermind, we’ll dig out the DVDs on monday and re-upload. Maybe the fake tan police came around and decided she wasn’t up to code, being a little blotchy in places. 

Thanks to Peter in Ibiza for sending me this - I have no idea why he thought it appropriate to send to me! I guess we can add this to other hosipital classics such as “Congealed Entrance” and “Dr Simon, at your cervix”  

Preparing for travel has some fun aspects and top of the list would be doing the online order for sex toys. Yes, its true, we’re too shy to go into a shop! (Or is it, that we’re tired of being recognised?!) There are problems though. Being of an older generation I think in inches, but the world now works in metric so amongst the pile of new toys there were one or two, err, slight miscalculations. (Read on …)

Oh how I love dancers! Very bendy and flexibile - I wonder if shes added it to her resume? “Can do the splits, standing on one leg, while inserting oversize dildo.” Talent indeed. No wonder she worked up a sweat.

Note the flying dildo! if we don’t get the shot first or second time, we give up. No repeating it for hours till we get it.